Ole and Lena had gone to Des Moines for the day. Ole is driving back to St. Paul on I-35. When they get to Albert Lea, he puts his hand on Lena's knee. There is no reaction.
Going through Owatonna, Ole moves his hand up Lena's leg a couple of inches. There is still no reaction.
Just outside of Eagen, Ole moves his hand up another couple of inches.
This time, Lena turns to Ole and says, "You can go furder den dat, if you vant to, Ole!"
So Ole drives all the way to Dulut'!
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.” She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank You God for sending me such a very nice man.”
The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!”
Is GOD great or what!?!
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down
on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and
announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height
and she gives us the length."
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected
members of Congress.
Three little boys 3 little boys ages 8, 10 and 12. They were hanging on the backyard fence looking into their neighbor’s bedroom window.
The 10 year asked the old 12 year old “What is that man and woman doing?”.
The 12 year old said “They are making love”.
The 8 year old who, is a man of the world, said “And badly”.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing when life begins.
The priest says: “In our religion, life begins at conception.”
The Minister says: “We disagree. We believe that life begins when the fetus is viable away from the mother’s womb.”
The rabbi responds: “You are both wrong. In our religion life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog dies.”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
"I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a
Prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my
friends have either gone under the knife or had those
pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached
the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was
a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler.
I sighed and gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE
YOUR NAME
HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,
RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads
around to look at me, now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud
voice replied , "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID
YOURS.."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving ...
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL." Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.
The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!"
The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can do that too!"
The american soldier is baffled! He says, "really you can?"
"Sure! I can go right into the Kremlin, right up to the general secretary and say, "Mr. Gorbachev, I completely disagree with the way President Reagan is running his country!"
Buying a car in Russia
The man goes to the official agency, puts down his money and is told that he can take delivery of his automobile in exactly 10 years.
"Morning or afternoon?"" the purchaser asks. "Ten years from now, what difference does it make?" replies the clerk.
"Well," says the car-buyer, "the plumber's coming in the morning.""
The vulgar parrot
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She located the owner of the store and asked the price of the bird. The owner said it was $50.00. Delighted that such a rare, beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "There is one thing I think you need to know about this bird. It used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her and said, "New house, new madam". The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, that's not so bad. A couple of hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores". The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"
"I'm getting operated on tomorrow."
"Oh? What are they going to do?"
"Circumcise me!"
"I had that done when I was just a few days old."
"Does it hurt?"
"I couldn't walk for a year!"
A woman gets on an airplane with her baby. After the plane takes off, a drunk comes staggering down the aisle, takes one look at the baby and stops dead in his tracks, “Lady, “he says “that has got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, that is one UGLY baby” and he staggers the rest of the way down the aisle. About that time, the flight attendant comes through and the woman complains to him about the incident with the drunk. Desiring to keep his passengers happy he says, “Ma’am on behalf of the airline please allow me to apologize for the vulgar behavior of that gentleman. I would ask that you enjoy a complimentary dinner and perhaps we could even find a banana for your monkey.”
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
All of us “younger" golfers are going to be 85 someday. Hope you get golden spikes also.
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret, at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Maybe You shoulda bought a new hat."
The sad thing about this is, except for some help from pills, it’s mostly true.
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.
Lady Nancy Astor, who is noted for her sharp tongue, once got annoyed at Churchill. “Winston,” she said sharply, “if you were my husband I’d put poison in your coffee.”
“Nancy,” replied Churchill, “if I were your husband I’d drink that coffee.”
-Bernardine Kielty in Book-of-the-Month Club News
Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
And was asked where he was going at that time of day.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body,
as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of
night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
A rural middle school in Northwest Florida was recently faced with a unique problem. A new fad arose amongst the 8th grade girls with the use of lipstick. They began bringing, sharing, and trading with their friends to try out all the new styles and shades. The gathering point for this activity was one certain bathroom at the school. That was fine, but after they tried out all of these lipsticks they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of lip prints every day.
Every night the custodian had to clean them off, but the next day the girls would put more lip prints on the mirror. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. So class by class, the principal paraded 8th grade girls to the bathroom to meet with the custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To drive the point home, she asked the custodian to demonstrate to the girls what a pain it was for him to clean the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirrors off thoroughly. The reaction was almost always the same. The girls stood there in shock, glared at each other and squealed, and then hurried back tho their classes in disgust. Since then, there have been no more lip prints on the mirrors.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight...."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later,
"**If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available**."
Presented by Paul Goodwin
On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
The drunkard comes to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again, the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention, and they release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He, too, decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, the engineer suddenly says, "Hey, I see what your problem is ..."
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents.
We know what a Porsche costs..”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. Don’t know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
A couple of boys, a few sheets to the wind, came staggering up to one of their favorite bars and went in. There were no other customers so they decided to sit next to each other. They each ordered a drink and a little bit later the first said to the fellow next to him "I’m celebrating"
and the fellow asked "What are you celebrating?"
"Well, it’s my birthday"
"My God, what a coincidence, it’s my birthday also"
"Well, we have to have a drink on this one"
So they each ordered another drink. After a little bit longer the fellow asked, "How old are ya?"
"I’m 37"
"What a coincidence, I’m 37 also"
"Well, we’ll have to have a drink on this one"
So they each ordered another drink. After a little bit longer the fellow asked, "Where were you born?"
"Over there in Stoway"
"Stoway! Wow! I was born in Stoway too. Son-of-a-gun"
"Well, we have to have a drink on this one"
So the each ordered another drink.
"What was your parish?"
"St. Bernadette"
"St. Bernadette. That was my parish also"
"Well, we have to have a drink on this one"
So they each ordered another drink.
After a little bit the phone rang and the bartender went back to answer it and said "Well, it’s a little slow here tonight. The only ones here are the O’Brian twins and they are drunk."
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.
In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.
Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
Don did not present a joke this month but our speaker, Dr. John Miles, provided this humor.
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property"
Sarah replies, "Property?....The jerk had a paper route!
You make $250,000/year and still can’t afford to buy a house.
The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You’ve worn out a car horn (if you have a car).
You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
The seasons are: Hiking, Feels Like Snow, Snow, Melt/Snow/Melt.
OR
You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon, to catch the early bird special.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
You’ve gotten used to having bugs in the kitchen, and lizards and snakes in the yard.
The seasons are: Early Summer, High Summer, Late Summer, and Not Summer.
OR
There is no perfect place to live in the USA. Sure, you probably have your idea of where "God’s country" is, but at best it only comes close to paradise; every place has drawbacks to offset its advantages. Hawaii, for example, has the kind of climate most of us would enjoy, but the cost of living there is terrible, because anything that can’t be made or grown locally has to be transported across the ocean. And every part of the nation has to deal with natural disasters at one time or another: blizzards, tornadoes, floods, etc. I heard once that when it comes to natural disasters, Utah is probably the safest state, because hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanoes never strike there -- but Utah still gets some fierce thunderstorms. Anyway, if you are looking for a place to retire, here is what you can expect from several retirement havens.
You’re willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
The 4 seasons are: very warm but tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU FRICK’N KIDDING ME??!!
OR
You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
You have more than one recipe for casserole, which you call "hot pot."
Sexy lingerie is anything made of flannel with less than eight buttons.
The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
OR
You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
"Y’all" is singular and "all y’all" is plural.
"He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Ray, Bonnie Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It’s important to know the difference, too
OR
You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that had been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I am a wreak and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
*
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowneddd! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"That's because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya dumb idgit!"
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, garter snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why...
A middle aged couple in Cherry Grove, Alberta had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, Belinda, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garter snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it warmed up, it slithered out very quietly and went exploring for bugs. Belinda happened to see it snake its way under the sofa. She screamed and none to silently either. Arnold, was in the shower after a long day of welding. He was just beginning to relax and feel comfortable when he heard the scream. He came running into the living room naked as a jay bird and flopping quite obsenely. He was feeling vulnerable but he was here to rescue the day. Belina was hysterical and was not making much sense but he got the part about he snake under the couch. Arnold wasn't into snakes but he was the man here (which was quite obvious at the moment).
Dripping wet and a bit cold, he got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look. He was fully expecting to see a fairly big snake all coiled up and waiting for his nakedness to appear. About that time, Woofie, the romantic Lab, the family dog, snuck up behind him and cold-nosed him. In his mind he knew the snake had bitten him. It happened so suddenly he yelled and jumped forward smacking his head on the end table. Arnold was out cold and Belinda thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, and called an ambulance.
The ambulance arrived just as he was coming to. The attendants rushed in and while ignoring his protests, loaded him onto a stretcher. Just as they started carrying him out in all his embarrassed splendor, the snake made a new appearance and came out from under the sofa. The Emergency Medical Technician saw it by her boot. She jumped and dropped her end of the stretcher. That's how Arnold broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
Belinda still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on Gordon, a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He knew all about snakes apparently. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told her so. She sat down on the sofa inrelief. While she was relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions. Suddenly the snake was wriggling against the back of her hand. She screamed and fainted. The snake rushed back under the sofa.Gordon saw she had passed out. He decided she needed CPR to revive her. Gordon's wife, Sherie, had heard about the excitement from another neighbor and came over to help her husband. She arrived just in time to see her husband's mouth on Belindas lips. She slammed Gordie in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where he needed stitches.
The noise woke Belinda from her faint. She saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She ran to the kitchen, phoned 911 and got a small bottle of whiskey. Shouldering her inexplicably belligerant neighbor aside, she began pouring some of the whiskey down Gordon's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Take a Breath Here......They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all. Belinda explained about the how this had happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away Gordon and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa trying to make a run for it. One of the policemen was startled and drew his gun and fired. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered. It started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of Woofie, the family dog. Woofie, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. Belinda asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
Arnold said "knock it off - no damn plants in the house!"
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy", the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really", the mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her", the little girl says to her friend.
"Well,' says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are. You are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in Heaven's name did you find that out??"
"And" the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you
and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why is that??"
"Because you got an F in sex."
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving ...
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL." Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a gruff bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You God for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said
"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it’s me,………… Sister Kathleen!"
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a
Prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my
friends have either gone under the knife or had those
pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached
the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was
a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler.
I sighed and gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE
YOUR NAME
HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,
RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads
around to look at me, now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud
voice replied , "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID
YOURS.."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on ... did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawer story?
Look at Congress -- over 300 Lawyers!!!
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.
On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
were tattoed all the prices of ale.
And, on her behind,
for the sake of the blind,
there was the same list in braille.
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience. When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5-hour flight." Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and
asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
It was a dark and moonless night when a burgler broke into this house through an open window. The occupants were upstairs sleeping.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
We all know history has a way of repeating itself. The car industry has gone through the same pattern as the communication industry with the same ethnic inventors.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back over 150 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, Japanese archeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. A story was published in Japan’s newspapers that a Japanese scientist dug to a depth of 20 feet and found traces of copper wires. The Japanese archaeologist concluded that his ancestors already had high tech communications 50 years before the British.
A week later, there was an article published in the SJ Mercury that a guy from the Silicon Valley was digging a post hole for a fence he was making in his back yard. He was down 30 feet and found nothing. The self-taught archaeologist concluded that the US had already gone wireless 250 years before the Japanese.
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
"She said" "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to
use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the
summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting
on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push
that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little
boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a
large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the
creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after
supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad
replied,"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry
tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in
that cherry tree."
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
A chicken farmer went to the local bar.
He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass
of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, " It is a
special day for me. I am celebrating."
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!"
said the woman.
"What a coincidence." said the farmer.
While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you
celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for
years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."
"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer
and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all
set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for
your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," he said.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."
A man walks into a restaurant, sits down to a table and tells the waitress "I want an order of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee". The waitress asked "Will there be anything else?". "Yes, start bitching at me. This all reminds me of my breakfast at home".
(Don - "Nobody liked that one")
A neighbor knocked on my door at 2 AM this morning. I said "2 AM?? It's a good thing that I was up, because I was busy playing my bagpipes"
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic
school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, provided it was of a
natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their
lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man
would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them
back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary
Double Genuflection, decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom, and met them there with
the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean
the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the
little princesses). To demonstrate how
difficult it had been to clean the mirrors , Sister Mary Double
Genuflection asked the maintenance man to show the girls how
much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints
on the mirror.