SIR Bidwell Branch 110 Humor

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap.
He's telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands.
"What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
"You keep out of this!" she yells.
"I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

The ventriloquist Rickie Layne and his dummy, Velvel, were onstage at the Copacabana.
In the front row were some gangsters.
Velvel starts insulting them.
"Hey, it looks like you slept in your clothes," he says.
"Don't you make any money?
Is that the best suit you can buy?"
With each putdown, the mobsters are getting angrier and angrier.
Suddenly, the owner of the nightclub, Jules Podell, a real tough guy, jumps onstage.
He grabs the dummy and punches him so hard, his head rolls off.
Podell then points at Velvel's head lying on the stage and says, "One more joke like that and I'll kill you!"

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, Doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go Home?"

Did you hear the one about:
The nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?

Did you hear the one about:
The crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?

Did you hear the one about:
The cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens.

Did you hear the one about:
The kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground?
It was a knot-for-profit.

Far from the corner of Maple and Main, you'll find these oddly named byways:
1. Yellowsnow Road (Fairbanks, Alaska)
2. Farfrompoopen Road (Story, Arkansas)
3. Uptha Road (Casco, Maine)
4. Liquid Laughter Lane (Columbia, Maryland)
5. Divorce Court (Pittston, Pennsylvania)
6. No Name Road (South Londonderry, Vermont)

Early one morning on the way to work, a woman stopped at a coffee shop and gave the barista the woman's order: "Medium skim decaf latte."
The barista read back the woman's order:
"One medium Why Bother."

A good resume helps one land jobs.
A bad resume lands here:
1. "Working at XX airline, I gained experience managing cabin crew in a pressurized environment."
2. "My hobbies include regular attendance at my local gym and swimming poo."
3. "Previously at Starbucks Coffee Co. the position I occupied allowed me to serve customers and exceed their expectations, by providing them with the right product."

Before GPS, a man's boss at a courier company was lost on a rural road.
So he asked a local for directions.
"Go as far as you can see, twice, and there's your turn," said the local.
Confused, but with no better options, the boss fixed his eyes on a spot as far as he could see.
He drove to that spot and made a mental note of the next farthest spot he could see.
Upon arriving at the second spot, dead on was the little unmarked turn he was looking for.

If at first you don't succeed,
Doesn't mean you should give up skydiving

Did you hear the one about: The claustrophobic astronaut?
He just wanted a little more space.

Did you hear the one about: The racing snail that got rid of his shell?
He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.

Did you hear the one about:
The salamander who went to Hollywood to make newt movies?

Police in Springfield, Colorado pulled over a driver going 52 in a 30-mph zone last year.
But, reports 9News in Denver, as the officer walked toward the car, he watched the driver switch places with a dog in the passenger seat.
The human then insisted that he wasn't the one driving.
Since the officer believed the dog to be a good boy that would never drive so recklessly, he arrested the man.
Here are more unlikely excuses police have encountered, collected by police 1.com:
1. "I wasn't speeding-I just got a haircut, and it makes me look fast."
2. I stopped a guy for doing 71 in a 50 because he wanted to get to McDonald's before the breakfast menu ended.
3. "I know I was going fast. I was trying to get the snow off my windshield so I could see where I was going."
4. A drunk guy told me he was pregnant, then urinated all over himself, claiming his water broke.
5. "I have a cold and when I cough, my foot mashes the pedal."

A jeweler spots a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace and nabs him.
"Listen," the crook says, "You don't want any trouble and I don't want any trouble.
What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened?"
The jeweler agrees. He writes up a sales slip and hands it to the crook.
'Y'know," says the crook, "this is more than I wanted to spend.
Mind showing me something less expensive?"

Two men are seated on a train.
One pulls out his phone and shows the other a photo of his girlfriend.
"Isn't she beautiful?" he asks.
The second man responds, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my wife!"
"Oh? Is she gorgeous too?"
"No, she is an optician.'

The Van Gogh family tree:
1. Vincent's dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
2. The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh.
3. His magician uncle: Where Diddy Gogh.
4. The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wells Far Gogh.
5. The ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh.
6. The bouncing nephew: Poe Gogh.
7. His niece who drives an RV: Winnie Bay Gogh.

Did you hear the one about:
The New York Jets cocktail?
Drink two of them and you'll forget what your Namath.

Did you hear the one about:
The cow that ate bluegrass and mooed indigo?

Did you hear the one about:
The veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs?
It's part of an anti-litter campaign.

Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

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