SIR Bidwell Branch 110 Humor

The irony is criminal.
An odd day on the job for these police officers:
1. Twenty inmates in a Venezuelan prison concocted a brilliant plan to tunnel out.
They made one small mistake: The exit hole was too small, and some of the prisoners struggled to get through.
Luckily, they had help.
Police officers happened to be training in a field directly in front of the tunnel's exit.
They helped the men out of their predicament and back into their jail cells.
2. A suspicious man in Tampa, Florida, was spotted entering an unlocked car parked outside an apartment building.
Police tracked him down and asked about the suspected burglary.
The suspect refused to cooperate, and was arrested and taken to the Pinellas County Jail.
There, he was likely given a uniform to replace the T-shirt he wore, which read: "I just got out of prison."
3. Three armed robbers in Colorado parked their getaway car in front of a check-cashing business, put on masks and stormed into the store before fleeing with an undisclosed amount of money.
Unfortunately for them, two of the three were apprehended.
That may be because they had no way to escape since, as they were robbing the business, their getaway car was stolen.

A person was searching for the phone extension of a new employee who had the reputation of being unpleasant.
Striking out, the person asked their coworkers, "Does anybody know Julie's extension?"
A voice from the next cubicle mumbled, "Try 666."

The speaker at a bank's drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and the tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with the frustrated customers.
One day a sweet elderly lady who could be seen every week pulled up to the window, leaned out of her car and smacked the glass in front of the teller's face.
"Hope this is bulletproof," she yelled.
There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so the teller was touched by the lady's concern.
"It is," the teller yelled back.
"Good," the lady continued, "because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get the speaker fixed."

Q: What do you get when the post office burns down?
A: A case of black mail.

I wondered why the Frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.

My landlord told me we need to talk about the heating bill.
"Sure," I said. "My door is always open."

A panic-stricken man said to his doctor, "You have to help me! I think I'm shrinking!"
"Now settle down," the doctor calmly told him.
"You just have to learn to be a little patient."

Over the years a man had heard his share of strange questions and silly comments from people who call the computer software company where the man worked as a tech support telephone operator.
But one day he realized how absurd things can sound on the other end of the line when he heard himself say to one caller, "Yes, sir, you must first upgrade your download software in order to download our upgrade software."

While in college a student took a job in customer service at a department store.
One day a woman went in to complain about her billing statement.
She was unhappy with the explanation, but paid her bill.
Later, when the student was reconciling the checks, he came across hers.
She had written on the amount line, "Thirty-seven dollars and no sense."

Everyone at a company dressed up for Halloween.
One fellow's costume stumped everyone.
He simply wore slacks and a white t-shirt with a large 98.6 printed across the front in glitter.
When someone finally asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, "I'm a temp."

Two friends were hitchhiking, but no one would stop.
"Maybe it's our long hair," one of the friends joked.
With that, the other friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: "Going to the barber."
Within seconds they finally got a ride.

Q: What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls from a tree?
A: A pool table!

Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.

Q: What do you call a sad berry?
A: A blueberry

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It's pasteurized before you can even see it.

Overheard: "I hate talking cars.
A voice out of nowhere says things like, 'Your door is ajar.'
Why don't they say something useful, like 'There's a state trooper hiding behind that bush'?"

When shopping online, it's easy to forget that you may not be dealing with a large corporation.
A woman recently e-mailed a website asking why her purchases hadn't arrived, a week after she had paid for them.
Later the phone rang.
"Sorry for the delay," said a teenager.
"I'll get back to you.
I can't get on my computer right now because my mother's vacuuming and this room only has one electrical outlet."

A man applied for a job as an insurance salesperson.
Where the form requested "prior experience," he wrote "lifeguard."
That was it. Nothing else.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself," said the hiring manager.
"How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"
"I couldn't swim," the man replied.
He got the job.

A human resources manager was going over one candidate's application.
At the line saying "Sign here," the woman had written "Pisces."

Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn?
A: An egg roll.

I have a joke about a broken clock, but it's not the right time.

Q: Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?
A: Because it was a cheetah.

Q: Why did the pencil cross the road?
A: It was lead.

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